F@*# Self-Doubt...

“F@*# self-doubt. I despise it. I hold it in contempt, along with the hell-spawned ooze-pit of Resistance from which it crawled. I will NEVER back off. I will NEVER give the work anything less than 100%. If I go down in flames, so be it. I’ll be back.”

-Steven Pressfield


Self-doubt has always been a part of me; whether it be in my ability to be the best at something, or how I look compared to all these other women, and even in how strong I am. My self-doubt started to make an appearance this morning...

I have never been the tiniest built girl... ever since elementary school and middle school I have felt much larger than most of the girls I went to school with, not necessarily fat, but just a little "pudgider". I was always athletic and ate pretty well throughout school, but could never look like any of these flat tummied, twig legged girls that I was surrounded by.

High school came around, and my self-confidence shot up a little bit during Sophomore year...but in the back of my mind I still always felt "pudgier". I had finally gone from a size 8 jean to a size 5 towards the end of my sophomore year and I was thrilled! I stayed this size until I graduated and moved down to LA.

Ugh.. culinary school was the death of my size 5 jeans. All the tasting and all the delicious food we were making put me back up to the size 8 jean and I was feeeeling it. I never felt like anything fit right, I always felt the need to wear jackets and sweaters to hide my "tummy", and going out took forever because I changed about 5 million times before I felt comfortable enough to go out.

Finally, all of this began to change once we moved out and got a place of our own... a whole apartment to ourselves where I could workout whenever I wanted to. We have been working out consistantly for about 2 (almost 3) months. The tummy is getting a little flatter and my endurance is almost back to where it was in high school. But... the self-doubt always creeps back up.

This morning is a perfect example... I felt great walking out the door... but once I got into the office where people would see me I began to stare at each part of myself and judge it. This is when I remember what my mom told me this last trip home, which was:

"Stop looking at yourself as parts, see yourself as a whole."

I am still struggling with my weight and am working to lose a good 30lbs... but this will never happen if I expect instant results... 30lbs are easy to put on, but will take much longer to take off. I still want to look like all these women on Pinterest and all the cuties at theme parks; but maybe it's time to realize that the one I'm with loves me and is working with me to get fit... ((not many women have that kind of support)).

So it's time to start look at myself as a whole...